uptownincubus

I am not sure how to proceed.  What I do know is that I feel a mix of happiness and misery.  Gaza is currently under attack.  I feel for the people on both sides of this conflict.  I have been watching it with a sense that human suffering in Gaza will beget more violence.  Even though I have some knowledge of international affairs, I still feel like I am not an expert. 

intially the CNN coverage made me angry.  I thought to myself fucking Hamas.  Israel has the right to defend itself, but a two state solution is badly needed.  Talk of the two state solution has been absent from the CNN broadcasts I have seen so far.  If Hamas never reconginizes Israel as a legitimate country them there will never be peace.  I could say a lot more about this issue but I feel myself giving in to wanting to focus more on my own life, at least for now.   I will never be a Paul Krugman anyway.  

When I look at the world in choas beyond the borders of the United States.  I feel still emotional longing to be connected with people I know.  That it is the awesomeness of these real connections that makes a fucked up world bearable.  I still wish that a friendship worked out with Sarah.  However, the prospect of a friendship between us has always stood tetter in a precarious alignment.  All her anger and criticism still brews unresolved.  It makes me wonder where it begans and where it ends.  I believe that I was trashed in circles over bottles, this was the forum.  Dispite honest effort to create something lasting, my own efforts shifted between empathy and love, and destructive annilation. 

The great irony now is that I talk more with Rachel than Sarah.  There are still alot of good connection that have formed most of the people I have become friends with now are connected to Sarah in some way.  We were right for each other for a window of time.  I was under the illuison that that window would never shut.  But, we are two diffferent people now.   I was very happy during that time, but this is a new time.  I still rage inwardly at all the ill outcomes that would transpire after the things ended.   Some of it has become outward rage toward the trashing gossip that has proliferated.  It all makes me crazy still because I don't know the extent of damage that occurred. 

Relationship seems to be a break area in my life.  At the same time everything else is going fairly well.  I am happy that I am graduating and that I am moving to the city.  But it bring to mind the question how is my relationship with myself.  I am still trying to figure out my sexuality evern now.  I seems I open up and binge on sexual freedom, and then I condemn myself and try to realign what I am thinking.   I think I will be more a part of TES when I get down to the city.  Right now, its difficult to get there and appreciate it.  I am still trying to align my orientation.  
What I do know is that I want to be more in charge.  Today, I was thinking of all the times that I was taking advantage of and how angry that it made me feel.  I started to think from the time I was on Hoosick street to now in New Paltz.  Especially, with regard to this house I should have never put up with the shit.  The same goes for my old job with the State the everyday humiliation and rampant appeasement still makes me angry.  I want something different for myself, I want to learn the language of don't fuck with me I will not take your shit.  Karate is bringing a lot of that. 

Today has been a wasted day.  This is probably the most productive thing that I have done all day.  I hate being unproductive.  My alarm when off early this morning but I ignored it.  Drinking heavy always wakes me up early, and I was up for a little while today.  I set the coffee pot up at 630am-not bad for coming in at 2 in the morning.  I stayed up for a few hours but I was quickly dogged by the feeling that I really wanted to sleep. 

Sleeping strange hours never makes the proceeding day very productive.  I think its my muscles and not my hangover.  When I first woke up early this morning, I thought that my head was hurting from a hangover, but that was not the whole story.  Most of the pain was from tension.  Muscle tension is my worst enemy within my body. 

I need to do some yoga to make this go away.  Its a terrible feeling it feels like my calf muscle are pulling my whole body into an abyss.  My mind feels stale like nothing seems to matter much today.  Its just such I wasted day.  At least I am writing something.  I hope I feel better soon.

I wish I was making more decisions tempered with wisdom.  At this point in my life I should have more of my shit together.  When I am centered and grounded things all make sense.  This is the mature self and my true self.   What happens when I move away from the true-self.  I become someone else.  My actions and thoughts are not grounded in wisdom, and at best they are clumsy, and at worst they are destructive. 

Sarah and I will never be friends, because I did not practice faithfully attention to inner wisdom.  Despite amicable feelings from both of us, or assume that there are amicable feelings between both of us.  I believe that the road to friendship is lost.  That we will be friendly to each other in social settings, but it will never emerge as a true lasting friendship.  I sabbotaged any real progress toward that goal by virtue to actions and thoughts.  Its too difficult to be real friends with her.  Friendly yes, but really friends, the answer is no.   idealism fades to realism.  

Last night, my karate instructor told us a story about the taost perspective.  The story was about things that seem fucking terrible at the time, but provides the opportunity for something new.  I have so many wonderful things around me.   I have so many people that are amazing in my life. 

However, there is no way to stop the emergence of this new cynicism.  I feel like something is missing like my soul, if I have one, is undernourished.  I am missing that old high of just being alive.  Now its just this jadedness, and I would like to part with it.  I have to break ties with some old ways, but I don't know if that is even possilbe.  It may be the external choas has lessen, but the last 2 months have been a real test of whether I sink or swim. 

This is fucking stupid.  Why the fuck do I write this anyway.

i need a better relationship with myself.  

i am doing a lot of good stuff, but I really get off track.  It's like I get sucked into these downward spirals.  Its a real challenge to stay balanced to stay healthy.  i want to quit caffeine.  I think I would be so much happier, but each morning I use it as a pain killer.  Sometimes its there to sober me up, when being drunk is no longer fun and I want to be productive.  I know what you are thinking; you are probably thinking-wait its fucking coffee you should be worried about the beer.  Well the beer is not keeping me up until 3am writing in Live Journal.  

The tea and the coffee are excratbating my anxiety.  I was walking around campus a few hours ago when I started peaking.  I walked around on the old main lawn looking all around me.  My body was completely amped-up I was for an ambush.  My body on 400mg of caffeine.  There was no teeth clenching, but unlike other stimulants relatively high-levels of caffeine leave you with a jittery nasty feeling.  Well I will put cocaine in that batch of nasty stimulants too-despite protests from Marcus. 

I walked all around campus and I hoped that I would start to work some of the energy.  When I got back to the house, I hoped that I would sleep. The chamomile is no match for 400-500mg of caffeine.  Tomorrow, I will give it a go at quiting again. 

How about alcohol that is something that I can moderate pretty well.  Its a lot of fun when its about hanging out and partying.  I had a good time a few days ago.  The bar in the basement is on its way.  There are so many good things coming in fruition.  I feel safe now in my house.   There is good energy now. 

I live another life in the city that I have told 4 people about.  The reactions have been supportive to my surprise.  I always was trying to reconcile with these feelings.  Trying to push them away, but its like a magnet.  I wish to develop both side of this equation.  Right now, I am heavily out of balance to one side.  But what happens is all good as long as I don't get fucked up inside this-it's all good.

No it's not what you think-it not the racial epitaph.  Its pure Trent Reznor, Kurt Cobain, emo slit your wrists negativity.   Yeah and I want to be above it all.  I want to be happy as much of the time as possible.  Its work, but its worth it to be happy.  I am happy a lot but I hit spots where I am just in hell. 

While I was visiting my brother in Brooklyn I told him that I was having dreams about a place we called the farm.  It's ironic that brian and I are having the same dreams.  It about the farmhouse that we grow up in.  The dreams are about storms and tornadoes.  We are both taking shelter there in the house, with family and sometimes friends.  I had the same dream last night. 

I have to tell you that my anxiety about the world is pressing on me.  I choose to be informed for better or worse.  I need to be aware of what is happening.  I don't want to walk though the world oblivious.  I want to be a well-educated successful person.  There is a lot of bad news out there now.  But there are good things happening on a local-level. 
I have continued to workout throughout the summer and I am noticing changes in my body that I am happy about.  I discovered that soy is terrible for your body, especially if you are a man.  It's very difficult to get soy completely out of your body because it is in damn-near-every processed food out there.  Anyone want BubbleBee Tuna-you guessed it soy.  So why is soy so bad?   For starters it cuts libido, lovers testostrone, and inhibits protein synthesis.  I was duped for the soy industry into believing that I was eating and drinking something healthy, when in fact I was killing my body. 
Now lets be honest there are things that I put in my body that are not good say the occasional recreational drug, like alcohol or a pill, but these are done in moderation and don't constitute daily consumption.  Even my alcohol consumption is less then a few drinks a week now.  I stopped drinking so much because it interferes with muscle growth. 
I am getting back into the shape I was when I was 18 when I worked-out with Bri and our cousin George.  That summer before college I got really jacked.  I didn't really drink at all then-it was a little tough to get alcohol.  I am so happy I broke 200 lbs on a flat bench today.  I have been consistently going to the gym-4 days a weeks.  I reserved friday thru Sunday for rest and drinking. 

I spoke with Kristen last night.  Its pretty good that I have an ex that I am really friends with.  It helped that we had like 3 years before we started talking via Myspace-yeah Myspace.   I need a break from writing to be continued.

I am angry, and I wish the feelings would subside.  Waves of rage come over me, and I am in the moment somewhere else.  In the argument or back for the fight I never dared to have.  I am back with my landlord and his brother when he burst into the house on a Sunday morning.  I am arguing with Chris. 

Its kind of ironic I am the most chilled laidback person on the outside, but inside something bubbles up out of me.  I so angry with myself so unhappy pretending to fucking smile.  I try to stay busy so I won't notice the hole inside of me.  I guess there are two ways to look at everything.  Either I keep fighting and don't give up; or I give in.  

I try not to acknowledge the dark side of myself, but it is there and this seems to be the medium that I choose to articulate it in.  I want to fight the fact that I don't feel well.  That everything is not fucking fine.  I keep fighting though.  

Maybe my QL being shot today made some mserable. 

I am grateful for so many things in my life.  Tomorrow will be a better day.

I

This is a reoccurring nightmare.  The elements in this dream change but the theme remains the same.  Something comes after me, and I try to fight it off.  I keep fighting but eventually it over takes me.   I usually a violent dream as violent as it gets, but some how I dealt out the lions-share of the violence.  I awoke after the dream today and felt terrible. 
My room was hot and stale.  Fragments of the end of the dream still lingered in my head.  I didn't move at all.  i just laid there wrapped in these terrible feelings and the slight pain still in my right QL and my head.   Man I hate that dream.

Good news
I have really gotten into workout.  I am on a 4 day a week schedule now..  I have noticed my body changing already.  Working with Pat has opened me up to new possibles that I never knew existoed.  I have been drinking less because I don't want to alcohol to inhibit muscle growth.  I have stopped eating soy too.  I found out the soy has a whole host of negative outcomes in the body especially if you are male.  Phytoestrogens kinda suck, you said it yourself.  It kills your libido and testostorone, and inhibits protease synthesis-just to name a few.  Being a vegetarian I eat mountains of soy.  Soy burgers, energy bars, soy milk, and soy oils-all contributing to my poor health.  I so angry with myself though.  But I am feeling good now.  Most areas of my life are content, when Chris moves out it will be even better. 

Living with Mike Brianna, Strawberry, and Emily is going to awesome.  There is finally a sense of peace here.  Things are clean as long as Chris quits his shit.  A few weeks ago our landlord bitched about the property looking like shit, from that point Chris and I were bonding.   We talked and we began to get along like we never had before.  However, that quickly ended.   Now Chris and I don't talk-and frankly I can give a fuck less. 

I tried to be diplomatic and reintegrate him into the house.  But all I see is an enemy to the new order, which I am establishing in the house.  For the first time things are clean.   All I sense from Chris is anger I took the beer-pong-table and put it in the livingroom.   This was a comprise to establish a kitchen.  Chris refused to play beer-pong in the living room.  I sensed that I wanted things back in the old order-beer-pong-table in the kitchen.
     The table has long been the bastion of filth.   Having a beer-pong in the kitchen meant you had no kitchen.  Chris moved to pong-table back to the kitchen.  I was so angry that I left the house.  I don't like the vibe a lot of his friends put off anyway.  Some of his friends are cool.  But that night I got out of the house. 
    The next few days that house was shit.  I cleaned the kitchen, and effective annexed it.   There would be no more beer-pong in the kitchen from that moment forward.   After this Chris communicated with me with mostly anger.  I think he wants the old house back, but it is the old house that I hated.  Since I have started cleaning: it has motivated ours to join in the effort.  
    Its wonderful to see the change happening in the house.  Dishes are getting done, and you can walk on the floors without worrying about getting a disease.  The shower upstairs is still out of commission, but the house is still not at full capacity.  Chris has been gone more often I hope that he is staying with Nate.  He spoke to me the other day because he had to do something with the modem.  I think its just going to be a cold war until he leaves. 

I don't know how to be friends with Sarah.  I think if we didn't talk to each other for six months things would have been more normal.  But now there is too much to really fix.  Its good talking on the phone and catching up.  I still have positive regard for her as a person, and I wish her well.  I know that she cares about my well being.  She was concerned that I was doing hard drugs, which is not true unless you count alcohol and speed.  In that conversation I was concerned about her being down.  I could use the word love to describe the feelings I have toward her, but its very easy to confuse readers with that word.   I care about her and what happens to her.  I think that is amazing for ex's.  
  I am very suprised each time we talk its a gift. 

Living with Mike Brianna, Strawberry, and Emily is going to awesome.  There is finally a sense of peace here.  Things are clean as long as Chris quits his shit.  A few weeks ago our landlord bitched about the property looking like shit, from that point Chris and I were bonding.   We talked and we began to get along like we never had before.  However, that quickly ended.   Now Chris and I don't talk-and frankly I can give a fuck less. 

I tried to be diplomatic and reintegrate him into the house.  But all I see is an enemy to the new order, which I am establishing in the house.  For the first time things are clean.   All I sense from Chris is anger I took the beer-pong-table and put it in the livingroom.   This was a comprise to establish a kitchen.  Chris refused to play beer-pong in the living room.  I sensed that I wanted things back in the old order-beer-pong-table in the kitchen.
     The table has long been the bastion of filth.   Having a beer-pong in the kitchen meant you had no kitchen.  Chris moved to pong-table back to the kitchen.  I was so angry that I left the house.  I don't like the vibe a lot of his friends put off anyway.  Some of his friends are cool.  But that night I got out of the house. 
    The next few days that house was shit.  I cleaned the kitchen, and effective annexed it.   There would be no more beer-pong in the kitchen from that moment forward.   After this Chris communicated with me with mostly anger.  I think he wants the old house back, but it is the old house that I hated.  Since I have started cleaning: it has motivated ours to join in the effort.  
    Its wonderful to see the change happening in the house.  Dishes are getting done, and you can walk on the floors without worrying about getting a disease.  The shower upstairs is still out of commission, but the house is still not at full capacity.  Chris has been gone more often I hope that he is staying with Nate.  He spoke to me the other day because he had to do something with the modem.  I think its just going to be a cold war until he leaves. 

I don't know how to be friends with Sarah.  I think if we didn't talk to each other for six months things would have been more normal.  But now there is too much to really fix.  Its good talking on the phone and catching up.  I still have positive regard for her as a person, and I wish her well.  I know that she cares about my well being.  She was concerned that I was doing hard drugs, which is not true unless you count alcohol and speed.  In that conversation I was concerned about her being down.  I could use the word love to describe the feelings I have toward her, but its very easy to confuse readers with that word.   I care about her and what happens to her.  I think that is amazing for ex's.  
  I am very suprised each time we talk its a gift. 

I am pretty miserable right now.  I have been going to the city to learn.  The people that I meet are interesting.  I don't know if I am addicted to something poisonous.  I have jumped down a rabbit hole to see what is there.  This yearning has always been there.  My brain is at odds with itself again.  I need to get out.  Is this heroin again.  
Strange emptiness that I don't how to fill.  The fear is that there will always be emptiness.  I forget how lucky I am to have so much love around me.  Like an anorexic who does not know they are thin.  I don't realize any of it.   In that dark space is where I die: I forget everything and spiral out of control. 

I was all above now I am down in it.

I guess I really believe that I have graduate beyond all the things that I consider irrational.  But this assumption that I can be perfect without flaws is overwhelming.  I censor what I write what I think to a confined acceptable box. 

I chose not to react in the Port Authority that morning.  I wanted to hurt him make him bleed.  First I want to throw the hot coffee in his face.  Then I want to hit him with my chair.  A gash oozing red from his face.  I hit him full force with every bit of anger.  He slumped forward dazed and bleeding.  I hit him more blood and body falling to the floor.  A few people are frozen watching the explosions of violence.  I am left shaking.  I really did it.  Though this did not happen.  I buried my hate and I gritted my teeth.  So filled with hate and rage.  But it is fear as well. 

So smile on your brother lets get together crumbles under the current state of affairs.  I hate you, and next time I will make you bleed if you threaten me or my friends.  I am afraid of the gun and the knife, because I never know when it is present.  He shot someone down the street from me. 

I hope karate will balance me out.  I do not want to hate, but in the face of these assailing invasions I must defend myself. 

I thought about it yesterday, and it was scary.  The thought was of being here in the same house until I was 33.  Still surviving in beer drenched squaller and filth.  I want to move on and up.  I want my apt in New York, a good job, a cat, and maybe a girl that loves me too.  I so frighten by what I see, and I compromise to live here.  It's like the chaos of Hoosick street, but not as bad. 

I talked with Kristina this morning and I could hear her saying the things that I was thinking too.  This place has to change.  I am sick things being broken every time there is a party here.  I am tired of the filth and the pizza boxes.  I am tired of not having a kitchen.  Hopefully, the house will change for the better.  I hope that I get along with the new people.  I know 4 of them, so it should be good. 

I need to make a change in myself too.  I went to Juila's house Saturday night.  I drank almost a whole 12 pack.  It was fun, but I feel it's all in my way.  I am miserable most of the time now.   I am happy when I am around people that I know and care about, but when I am alone it sucks.  I wish that I would stop hating myself and stop destroying myself.  

I want a good life for myself, but I have a lot of work to do.  I don't know how I can quit drinking when it's so salient to socializing, but I must try.  I have to be courage, and show that I can fight.  Inside me there is a fighting spirit, and I am up for a fight.  I am happiest when I am productive.  I lose my productivity when I party.   It's two days after Juila's and I am still not feeling well.  I am sleep deprived and angry.  I talked to Kyle about changing the way people perceive me.  So many people come to me for drugs.  I don't really have any, or do many unless you count alcohol.   Kyle said that the Karma Kat yoga perception is strong too, but I no longer can stand the label of drug user.  Don't get me wrong drugs can be constructively used, however, they can also be destructive.  I am a little scared of fucking things up.  The worst thing would be to fuck up school. 
I saw myself destroying and hating myself toward the end of the semester.  I showed up to the final for Russian culture completely destroyed.  I want to be happy again.   I have great friends and I love them a lot.  I want to life up to my full potential.  I want to have an awesome body, good grades, I want to feel my feet hit the floor.  I want that apt in Manhattan, Brooklyn, Queens, or maybe Staten Island.

I may have my sight one day in the future there has been some extremely cool stuff happening at Harvard.  I would be awesome to rid myself of this curse that I have had all my life.  Just a normal life with no bullshit. 

We will see though.  I have a doctors appointment on Wednesday at 230pm, hopefully something miraclious will happen.  Hopefully, there will be good news. 

I got rid of all of my old entries.  There was even emo in them to kill a horse.  All this negative stuff I took a good look at it today, and I was like wow, I don't need any of this.  Writing about heroin as metaphor; I don't need this.  I want positive energy.  i want to create a peaceful sustainable relationship with myself. 

This will be a continuous activity to progress and become someone amazing.  I have a lot of love around me, but sometimes I forget to let it in.  I read through I a lot of my old entries and i am really surprised now that Sarah called me at Kyle's house.  I was really happy that she called.  When I reread my own journal I was like wow this is not me.  Unfortunately, live journal had becoming the place for all of my negative emo-shit.  It really painted an incomplete picture.  I really want to a paradigm shift to occur. 

Creating a love, sustainable relationship comes before anything.  It the most difficult thing to do, but I need to do it.  I really did a great job being negative.  Now is time for a change I don't want to be a Nine Inch Nails song.

I hope Sarah and I will talk again over  the phone.  I don't know if we can really hang out yet.  What I do know is that it would help if I was not so emo.

I am looking forward to the new house mates.  I think Jess and Emily are going to be awesome.  I dropped my economics class, but I think its okay I will study economics over the summer.  Doing a 400 economics course in a month does make sense right now.  Economics is like learning another language I need more time to practice. 

I am still in this house.  Its weird being in this college commune house thing.  I feel out of place sometimes, but it okay. 
I am still staying strong-workout and changing myself.  I am really proud I have kept with it.

 Okay, I just want to record some stats here.  This is the record to build on.   
These are with 6-12 reps pre set, but they are also max sets.  Typically in the case of a bench press I am doing the rountine that my cousin George taught me back in the day.  I want to get jack like I was back in the day.

Chest 1/21/08
Bench Press flat 165
Incline 95
Decline 50
Fly 40

Triceps 50
Biceps 70
Shoulder Press 80
Lat pulldown 70
Row 50

Max laps on the indoor track 22 and climbing
Note
I have read the faster you go the better cardio you get.  I have to goals distance and cardio so maybe I will mix those up.  

My lower back was shit today.  I did alot of streching, but I can't wait until yoga is on again.  Every exercise is off when my back is out of commission.  I will be in the gym tommorow without a doubt.  I have to start to get up early or I will miss my morning classes.

I am still struggling with morphine I think I almost have it kicked though.   Its been a monkey on my back long enough.

 Unsettling, this is not comfortable.  It's all a superfical vibe here-no connections.  I like the bar much better.  This reminds me of Hoosick St-distant memories of a destructive past.  I can't experience this the same.  I can't wait for Emily and Strawberry to balance things out-this is insane.  I didn't want to drink but its the only way to keep your head in this. 
I had a great time last time chilling with Liz it was real.  Funny though the first thing I wanted to do was to get do some opiates when I got home.  There is terrible stress involved in burying this whole thing.  Damn, this caffeine is not settle well I will buzz uncomfortably all night long.  I am drunk and buzzing on caffiene is not pleaant.  This is all very stressful.  I want a peaceful environment I am too old for this stuff.  I like the bar but I don't want Hoosick street to follow me.  
I hope I can work out tommorow.  
I could never trip in this it would to uncomfortable. 

I am frustrated with myself, but I feel a sense of gratitude for where I am.  its a little stressful moving into a new environment-it's a little like a new job.  Everything is okay, sometimes I feel my anxiety spike.   Keeping negativity out has been tough.  I am fighting everyday.  Half a week ago I told the path of hard cynicism was the kind of wall I needed to protect myself in this world.  Maybe that is half true. 

I finished the Hunter S Thompson's Rum Diaries his sometimes unapologetic crass style reminded me how hard and cold the world can be.  The wall I need to build is a wall needs a gate.  I am not saying I want to live my life like Hunter, or any of his characters.  However, I want my heart off my sleeve its dangerous there.  

In other news i fell I little dope-sick today.  I tricked myself into rationalizing that it was acceptable.  If its integrated into my life it would not be so bad.  But, I am afraid its causes so much trouble before.  Personally, there is no way to balance it in my life, because it has such a potential to cause harm.  It spikes my anxiety too much, and leaves me empty inside-like cocaine.   Don't it all makes sense to me.

I am tired of being me.  There is optimist about becoming something new.  

Sarah, spoke
Honestly, I have optimist for this friendship building.  I want to approach this process with diplomatic skill.  I think there has been dispportionate communication.  Its at about a 3 to 1 ratio-and I have the three.  I want to be very careful in this process.  I saw a spike in my communication because I had a real fear that we would not have any contact-absolutely terrifying. 
I was foolish to think I could fix things on a truncated timetable.  And honestly a month, or two ago I was half way between my emotions.  I should have stayed away, but naive idealism sent me back.  At least, I didn't make too many bad choices along the way.  I hate that I was up in the drama loop. 
Debra being the good friend she tried to advise me on the nature of the situation, but I always walked a aways from those conversation with more of a sense of guilt. 
I am optimistic to see she emphasizing friendship building.  i feel like we are two countries trying to reestablish diplomatic ties.  I have a wait and see attitude mixed mixed with my optimism.  The process could take a little longer, but hearing from Sarah helping with the puzzle pieces. 

I am grateful to have a place to live right now, and money in my pocket, and a plan for the future.  When I get dark there is a reminder that I have a network of wonderful real people around me.   I saw Bobby today-that kid is amazing I want his openness.  its a model of the becoming process.   Peace and love to all who have read this.